Road Rage
by superstarultra
Summary: Also known as why Wiggler never appears as a driver in the Mario Kart series. Rated T for some language.


**A/N: This is just one of those things that you think about than have to write down a second later. This does contain some character bashing but it's only for fun so calm down Daisy fans. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't the Mario characters or the games. Because if I did, the Koopalings would have their own RPG.**

Wiggler wiped away the sweat that was gathering on his brow and resumed staring at his starting line. Today would be the day he entered his very first kart race. After participating in only tennis tournaments, the caterpillar had wanted to try something new for a change.

So one could only imagine his joy when he received a letter from Princess Peach herself, inviting him over to the Peach Gardens for a friendly day of driving with her friends.

He'd received the letter a month ago, giving himself plenty of time to become accustomed to the basics of kart racing. In just a few a weeks, Wiggler knew about the frequency of items that would appear, the obstacles on the tracks, and even the best places to power slide on a track. Instead of using one of the spare karts that Princess Peach stored in the royal garage, Wiggler had decided built a custom kart in his own likeness.

The entire project took only two days to complete(it helps when you have the ability to turn your feet into extra hands and are ambidextrous to boot)and Wiggler was quite pleased with the results.

Named the "Cater-Thriller", this kart had a slow start-up but a high top speed and was made to survive the dangers of tight curves. Its paint job consisted of a bright yellow with three brown and orange circles on the kart's sides. And to top off the Wiggler-like look, a hood ornament resembling a flower sat upon the hood.

When the big day finally arrived, Wiggler sped off towards Peach Gardens, eager to meet his fellow drivers. Princess Peach was there at the gate to greet them all in, alongside Mario who would also be participating in the race.

"Um Princess?" said Mario, tapping his love interest on the shoulder.

"Yes Mario?" replied Peach.

"Are you sure it's a good idea to invite Wiggler? You know how irritable his species is. What if he causes an accident?" whispered Mario into Peach's ear, with concern in his voice.

"Oh don't be such a worrywart Mario! Wiggler seems to be in a really cheery mood today. Just look at that cute little face of his! He wouldn't harm a Fighter Fly!" giggled Peach, waving at the drivers heading up to the starting line .

"Nah, he'd just stomp it repeatedly before biting its head off..." muttered Mario, marching towards his parked Red Fire.

In just five minutes, the rest of racers pulled up to the starting line of Peach Gardens in their own karts. Today's contenders would consist of Mario, Luigi, Peach, Daisy, Yoshi, Donkey Kong, Bowser, Koopa Troopa, Toad, Rosalina, Wario, Waluigi, Birdo, Shy Guy and Wiggler. Lakitu would arrive soon to start the race and help supervise. A kart race this size would be the perfect way to celebrate this warm summer day.

Wiggler waved towards his opponents, wishing them luck. Some like Koopa and Rosalina returned his gesture. Others like Bowser and Wario simply sneered back or ignored him.

"Nice kart you got there," called Luigi, "Did you build it yourself?"

"I certainly did!" replied Wiggler, earning a few surprised looks from the rest of the group.

_Keep it together _said a tiny voice in Wiggler's head.

_You didn't take all those anger management classes for nothing_.

As long as he didn't let all the other racers get to him, Wiggler had nothing to worry about, for his angry side only surfaced when he was in a fight or extremely agitated.

Suddenly, Lakitu descended from the clouds, with the starting lights attached to the end of his fishing line.

"Okay racers, today will be a five lap singles race around the lovely Peach Gardens. Good luck to all of you and watch out for Chain Chomps!" announced Lakitu.

Immediately following that sentence, the starting light began to flash.

_This is it! Time to show them what I can really do! _thought Wiggler.

Three...

Two...

One...

**GO!!!**

Everyone soared from the starting lines like Goonies caught in an updraft. Mario quickly took the lead followed quickly by the snarling Bowser. Wiggler, through the use of a well-timed boost, had managed to snag 6th place. They would be heading towards the item boxes in a few seconds, and Wiggler knew he needed something to ensure he didn't get overtaken.

Quickly glancing over his shoulder, Wiggler saw that Luigi, Diddy Kong, and Toad were closing the distance behind him. He needed a diversion now. Said diversion arrived in the form of a banana peel that appeared from the item box that he just mowed down. With a grin, he flung the peel over his shoulder right into the path of Luigi. The green-clad plumber swerved to avoid the trap, only for Toad to take the blow instead. The tiny fungus yelled a few choice words before regaining control of his vehicle.

Up ahead were several hedges serving as obstacles for the racers to navigate through. And in those hedges lurked enormous Chain Chomps, ready to spring out and bite unwanted visitors. Monty Moles also patrolled the garden too, burrowing up from the soil and lashing out with their claws.

But the racers didn't even seem to care about them. Shells, bananas, lighting, Bullet Bills, and Bloopers flew through air causing chaos on the track and hampered their turning and speeding. Even though he had drifted to 9th place, Wiggler was having way too much fun to care.

_No wonder Mario loves racing so much. _he thought to himself, whilst swerving to avoid a hungry Chomp. _This is one heck of a rush!_

Ten minutes later, he was on his 3rd lap with Shy Guy, Yoshi, Rosalina and Donkey Kong right on his tail. They wouldn't be for long though, as Wiggler had just grabbed the Triple Green Shells item. All the caterpillar had to do was throw one behind him to cause confusion and then he'd be free to use remaining shells on any threats in front of him. He had them right where he wanted them...

And he would've succeeded if he hadn't heard **IT**...

What is **IT **you may ask yourself, dear sweet reader?

Quite possibly, the most vile sound in the entire Mushroom Kingdom...

A sound that causes all who hear it to wince as if in extreme agony...

A sound from which the only means of escape from it is the sweet embrace of death...

"HI I'M DAISY!"

Wiggler was startled by the sudden noise, causing him to throw his first shell a little too early. The projectile slid past his targets and into a stray banana peel. He quickly turned to shoot a glare at Daisy for distracting him only for her to yell "HI I'M DAISY!!!" once more before zooming ahead.

Shy Guy, who had just noticed Wiggler's WTF expression, drove up beside him.

"What the heck was that all about?" yelled Wiggler.

"Um, that was just Princess Daisy being herself... Yeah, that was it..." mumbled Shy Guy.

"Huh?"

"Well normally, she's pretty level-headed, but whenever she's on the track she gets a little... err....."

"Brain-dead," finished Waluigi who had just caught up. "She just keeps on introducing herself over and over again like some goddamned Pokémon. I used to think Mario was annoying when he did it, but sheesh!"

"I used to think Yoshis were the most annoying thing in the world before I met her..." muttered Shy Guy.

"Uh-huh..... well thanks for telling me guys. I gotta check up now so bye!" said Wiggler, hitting the accelerator. Two Monty Moles burst out of the road to attack but Wiggler easily avoided their claws. He then launched his last two Green Shells forward, successfully hitting Toadette and Diddy Kong. Their slowdown allowed him to pass them both and snag 8th place. If he kept up at this pace, he would surely come in at maybe 3rd or 2nd place. He might even get 1rst place!

His short daydream was quickly shattered by an ear-piercing shout of "HI I'M DAISY!", followed by his kart getting smashed in the front with a Red Shell.

Growling, Wiggler sped up, counting to ten in his head to alleviate his stress, passing Wario and Peach in the process. Wiggler continued to count as he bypassed Daisy and several other racers. Now he was in 4th place!

_One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. One, two, three-_

"HI I'M DAISY!"

_Damn it, she caught up!_

Was she trying to piss him off on purpose? Maybe that was it! Yeah! She wanted to get in the newbie's head and make him lose his concentration. What an ingenious strategy!

Wiggler looked over his shoulder to spot chatty princess's kart get bowled over with a hungry Chain Chomp. Its barking drowned out all nearby sounds , but Daisy continued to mouth out her annoying catchphrase.

"Leave me alone!" yelled the exasperated bug.

"HI I'M DAISY!" responded Daisy.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"HI I'M DAISY!"

"AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!"

"HI I'M DAISY!"

"DON'T YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND YOU CAN PISS OFF!?"

Somewhere on the track, Luigi loudly cursed.

Wiggler's warnings went unheard as Daisy continued to shout her catchphrase. It dawned on him that she would probably keep dogging him until the end of the race if he didn't do something drastic.

So he started power sliding as fast he could. Well it must have worked because now he couldn't hear her anymore. He kept on driving until she was a speck in the side-view mirror. Glancing up, Wiggler saw that the finish line was straight ahead!

"YAHOO!" cried Wiggler.

He stepped on the gas pedal and zoomed forward, the sweet image of Lakitu swinging the checkered flag over his flower-topped head. He was going to win! Just a few more feet and then......

And then......

And then...... Daisy passed Wiggler by mere inches, using three Mushrooms.

"YAY! I WON!"

Wiggler immediately stopped driving his kart; he didn't even attempt to cross the finish line while everyone else zipped over it. He just sat there in his kart blinking repeatedly.

"Hey there, Wiggler," said a concerned Lakitu, drifting over to him. "You doing okay?"

As a response, steam shot out of the sides of Wiggler's head and nose, his skin went from a mustard yellow to a fire-engine red, and his pupils seemed to vanish completely.

Lakitu's eyes widened as some of the racers began to notice the obvious change in Wiggler's appearance.

"OH, SHI-"

***An Hour Later***

Several Toads ambled about Peach Gardens, picking up the twisted remains of karts. Wiggler's rampage had lasted for only an hour, but the destruction he had caused was unforgettable. Monty Moles were kicked like footballs, karts were tossed like Frisbees, hedges were torn, and a fountain was upturned. Not to mention all the psychological trauma everyone had endured.

It was thanks to the combined efforts of Bowser, Donkey Kong, Wario, Yoshi, and Mario that Wiggler was subdued until he passed out from exhaustion of trying to shake them off. The unconscious caterpillar was taken back to his home in the forest, along with a large trophy with a note taped to it. The note simply stated that Wiggler was allowed to keep the trophy as a consolation prize, as long as he didn't show up at any future social events at Princess Peach's Castle.

It would take awhile for the Peach Gardens to be cleaned up and used as a racing track once again.

It would probably take an even longer time to find out where Daisy's body was.

**A/N: Well there you have it, my Mario fanfic. No offense to any Daisy fans, though. I only find her incredibly annoying in Double Dash.**


End file.
